good manners are only the manner of being good
superficially rude behaviors such as cursing, confrontational contradiction and using violent postures and phrases, when they serve goodness, such as when providing consequences for racist and sexist pigfuckery, are excellent good manners
It’s often the case that, if I’m getting really fired up calling an older person out on some bigoted bullshit and call them a name (anything from specifics like “willfully ignorant” or “narcissistic” to “fucker”), they’ll zero in on how rude it is that I’d dare call them something negative.
I’m fucking sorry, your words contribute to people dying before their time and that’s o-fucking-kay, but me hurting your feelings over it is the real offense? Fuck’s sake.
Let me be clear with this
DO NOT respect all opinions
Respect an opinion if it
- is not harmful
- is not oppressive
- is not problematic
If it’s one of those things it IS OKAY TO CALL IT WRONG
You’re entitled to your opinion, if your opinion makes you a shitty fucking person you deserve to be shit all over for it. You deserve to be called out on it.
Like if someone says “I don’t like this movie.” that’s a solid opinion cool good yes.
If someone says “I hate gay people.” YES STILL AN OPINION no not fucking acceptable.
If you say “It’s just an opinion.” you’re probably just out of defenses for why you’re being a scumbag.
End of story.
it doesn’t matter how good your arguments are
it doesn’t matter how eloquent your conversation is
it doesn’t matter how coherent you are
it doesn’t matter how right you are
you’ll always be told you’re overreacting
you’ll always be told you shouldn’t be so angry
I can’t fucking stand it when white people are like ‘u r making me ashamed 2 be white with all ur reverse racism!!’
because it’s like you just fucking took things like the slaughter of colonized peoples, the kidnapping and enslavement of people, sweatshops that white man benefits from, human trafficking, genocide(etc) and you made it
ethnocentrism at it’s finest, kids.
Ashamed to be white what the fuck are you kids smoking gotdamn no ou aren’t
* for those without PTSD
** NOTE! May be triggering
- Don’t ask why they have PTSD!! It’s invasive and inappropriate, no matter what your relationship is to that person, and it’s likely that even thinking about the trauma at all (let alone describing it aloud) can be catastrophic.
- If they want to tell you why they have PTSD, listen. Don’t judge them or act like they need to justify why something was traumatic. Don’t ask questions unless they say you can. Realize that their trauma is immensely hard to talk about and that it’s highly confidential (ie. don’t tell other people.)
- Don’t ask them if they were professionally diagnosed. For so many reasons, this is not “proof” that they “really” have PTSD. Psychiatry is not accessible to everyone, nor is it equal in its treatment of everyone; for example PTSD resulting from oppression is not formally acknowledged, and Black women are dx’ed with PTSD at lower rates which does not mean they suffer from PTSD at lower rates.
- Don’t make their illness about you. Realize that you crying in response to their experiences could be offensive to them and if you can’t control it, apologize and be clear that you don’t need to be comforted.
- Don’t try to relate by telling them about something bad that happened to you once. It is insulting.
- If they ask to pause the conversation for a minute, an hour, a day, please respect that. Trigger responses can make it excruciatingly difficult to articulate thoughts and feelings. And since silencing is so often a part of trauma for people with PTSD, not affording them space can further compound, invalidate, and shame. (from tiburongata)
- Don’t assume that PTSD is from one isolated incident. PTSD can also be from long-term abuse, multiple traumas, etc.
- Abuse doesn’t necessarily look like abuse to outsiders. It’s not necessarily physical. It’s not always obvious. It’s often very complicated. Do NOT act like an abuse victim needs to justify/explain their abuse to you. (from kvteghost)
- Do not blame or question them if they stay with their abusers or otherwise have a relationship with a person who traumatized them.
- Do not encourage them to forgive a person who traumatized them.
- Realize that not everyone reacts the same way to trauma. Some people do not develop PTSD and some people do. This has nothing to do with “strength”.
- Know that not every survivor has the same experience. For example, my PTSD at its worst consisted of hallucinations, delusional paranoia, nightmares, an eating disorder, loss of identity, chronic fatigue and physical pain, among other things, many of which I didn’t realize were from the PTSD… in part because of stereotypical ideas about what PTSD is.
- Do not judge them for taking, or not taking, medication.
- Don’t assume you know anything about what PTSD is like. Remember that they are the only expert on their own life. Being close with a survivor of trauma or reading books in no way makes it okay to act like you know more than they do.
- That being said, it’s appreciated if you do some research on your own if you want to try to understand what they are going through. It shows that you care.
- Don’t assume you know what being triggered looks or feels like, because it can vary greatly from person to person. A person may be triggered and you wouldn’t necessarily even realize it. It does not always result in a panic attack. It can lead to obsessive and invasive thoughts, self harm, and a lot of other things.
- Don’t ever call their triggers irrational. It’s not something they can control.
- Ask for permission before you share their triggers with anyone else; you may think it’s in their best interest, but triggers are sensitive information that can be misused to seriously hurt the person.
- Do NOT expose them to their triggers intentionally in the vein of “exposure therapy.” It’s incredibly dangerous and, in general, makes you a shitty person. This form of therapy is supposed to be done by a professional and isn’t appropriate for everyone. You are NOT their therapist.
- Do not take advantage of them if they’re easily startled (by scaring them). It’s not funny. In my experience, people do this a lot and I have laughed it off more than you can imagine but it doesn’t mean I condone it.
- Realize that a survivor likely feels unsafe all the time, or a lot of the time. You don’t need to empathize with this in order to respect it and how it manifests in their behavior.
- PTSD can change a person’s personality, and/or cause a disruption, instability, or total loss of one’s identity. PTSD can last for over a decade and can affect a person’s life for a very long time. Don’t expect them to be “cured” and to ever become the person they were prior to PTSD, if applicable.
- Realize that PTSD is an illness that can cause structural and chemical changes to the brain. They may act in ways that confuse you.
- However: don’t pathologize everything that they do. PTSD is stigmatized enough as it is.
- Don’t treat them like a research project.
- Don’t use them as inspiration porn; it’s objectifying and dehumanizing. Be wary of making comments like, “I admire how strong/brave you are” or “I don’t know how you do it.” Remember that they don’t exist to inspire you. (from kvteghost)
- Be careful how you treat them, but don’t infantilize them. Similarly, don’t expect them to simply take any “minor” bullshit because they’re “tough.” Appearing tough can be a defense mechanism. They are still a human being, and they can still be hurt.
- Don’t give unsolicited advice to a survivor on how to cope. Talking to you about their experiences doesn’t mean they want to be judged, and it doesn’t mean they’re asking for solutions. Recovery looks different for everybody and sometimes it includes behaviors that appear to be unhealthy. But you are not their psychiatrist; remember this.
- Ask them what, if anything, they need from you.
- If they say they don’t need anything, don’t assume they are lying. They may not want or need your help. They may want to be treated exactly the same as always. Respect that.
- When they’re distressed, don’t disappear; most people do. Be a friend. (See above) Being alone can be very very difficult and painful for some survivors, so don’t abandon them.
- PTSD can cause severe trust issues so it’s extremely important to respect their wishes, no matter how trivial you think they are. Similarly, do not make promises you can’t keep. Rebuilding trust is an important part of recovery.
- Related: Don’t be insulted if they want to be alone, or if they act suspicious of your intentions, or if they seem to not trust you. It’s not necessarily personal.
- If you do fuck up, apologize, make sure you don’t do it again, and then shut up about it. Don’t dwell on it. Don’t demand a detailed explanation of how you wronged them. Don’t act like you’re the one who ultimately needs consolation.
- Don’t assume that they know you love/like/appreciate/care about them. They may need this explicitly affirmed on a regular basis. PTSD can lead to major abandonment fears. Don’t call them “needy.”
- Finally: Realize that every person with PTSD is a unique individual with their own needs. They are not JUST their illness. This list is mostly based on my own experiences; it might not be accurate for everyone. If you are becoming close to someone with PTSD or want to be a better friend to them, it’s best to talk to them directly about it, albeit carefully.
white feminists wanna reclaim “slut” but have no problem making nasty comments and criticizing the fuck out of WoC who don’t conform to what they think feminism should be
wanna send letters to beyonce’s daughter about how her mother isn’t a good role model, but then turn around and talk about “liberation for all women”
i thought feminism was supposed to be about the right to make your own choices, the right to liberate yourself in whatever ways you see fit
but time and time again white feminists have proven to me that WoC are not allowed those same privileges.
reclaiming “slut” is more important than the liberation of WoC
b/c at the end of the day, y’all are still upholding the same fucking standards that helped you oppress us in the first place
white womanhood > liberating WoC
b/c as long as you get to stand on our shoulders who the fuck cares, right
Actually, not all white feminists are like this, so it doesn’t make you any better to generalize an entire group of people and then put them down. Especially considering that your complaint involves generalization. As a white feminist, I’ve been outspoken about racism and feminism for WoC. I agree that many white women are narrow-minded in their approach to feminism and forget that 70 cents to the dollar is actually the highest pay for women, those of color earning significantly less. Please don’t generalize an entire group of people simply because of the narrow-mindedness of few. The only way to change minds is to accept that everyone has one.
so basically i’ve gathered that you know absolutely zero about oppression dynamics and should not be speaking. someone needs to collect their trash.
generalization of the majority protects the minority.
generalization of the minority kills the minority.
thanks for playing, though, and proving that you are exactly who this post talks about.
^^^^^ oh my god the bolded YES
white feminists please fuck off forever
saying “racism exists but it’s not my fault” in response to people talking about centuries of white oppression is like sitting at a bar full of people smoking, lighting up your cigarette and going “it was smoky in here before i got here, my one cigarette didn’t do all this”
b/c technically you’re right, your one cigarette didn’t smoke up the whole room
but you’re still adding to the smoke
you’re still lighting up
but the easiest way to deny accountability is to say “i didn’t start it. it wasn’t me” while contributing anyway.
All this “can’t we all just get along” rhetoric always, comes out when people start speaking out against oppression. It is a great derailing tactic, because they make it seem like, if you’re calling out someone’s problematic behaviour, then you’re the one disturbing the peace, you’re the aggressor! Basically what’s being said is, “if you just stayed silent we could go on pretending like nothing’s wrong. We wouldn’t have to examine the damaging ideas that we ourselves are perpetuating.”
That’ is why whenever someone inserts themselves into a conversation with “can’t we all just get along” my answer will always be no. The reason is, their desire is not for everyone to come to a place where they are comfortable and satisfied, it is so that they don’t have to feel uncomfortable anymore. They don’t give a shit about “getting along”, they just want to silence you.
LOL, this perfectly highlights why I side eye people who say “they aren’t racist” and are just being ironic.
- When a person of color says that they hate white people, they hate white people as an institution (aka white supremacy/hegemony)
- When a woman says that they hate men, they hate men as an institution (aka male dominance/patriarchy)
- When a queer person says that they hate straight people, they hate straight people as an institution (aka heteronormativity)
- When a trans* person says that they hate cisgender people, they hate cisgender people as an institution (aka gender essentialism/rigid gender roles)
SO WHEN ANY OF THESE PEOPLE SAY THAT THEY HATE ANY OF THESE GROUPS, DON’T RESPOND WITH “NOT ALL WHITE PEOPLE/MEN/STRAIGHT/CIS PEOPLE ARE LIKE THAT”. WE KNOW THAT. IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU PERSONALLY. IT’S ABOUT INSTITUTIONS AND THE WAYS IN WHICH THEY, AS INSTITUTIONS, OPPRESS US. SHUT THE FUCK UP.