jesus christ people what the hell are you assholes thinking w yr fuckin juvenile-assed dom fantasies
the sub holds all the power
the sub holds all the power
the sub holds all the power
at the slightest word a good dom will immediately stop without complaint
the sub holds the true power because they are the one at risk, they know their limits better than any dom ever will and they ultimately control the situation
a good dom respects safewords
a good dom negotiates scenes well beforehand
a good dom respects a sub’s limits and boundaries
a good dom does not expect a sub to be a sub literally every moment of every day, every submissive needs some kind of break now and again, even the most hardcore lifestylers
a good dom does not coerce
goddammit people do not get yr ideas of D/s relationships from fucking 50 shades alright it is poorly written and poorly researched and dangerous as hell
fuck all y’all
There are people who like to hit other people, or do bondage, or who like to be consensually submissive or dominant in sexual or romantic relationships. That’s fine, and shouldn’t be stimgatized.
There are also people who suggest that personal boundaries are somehow morally objectionable in BDSM relationships.
And who brag about being “real slaves” or “real masters”. Which is dangerous, and is also racist. Slavery is a thing. It’s a horrible thing. If you’re a real master, and really own people, you should be in jail, not bragging about it on the internet.
And abuse is a thing. Being kinky or into d/s doesn’t make abuse impossible, and it doesn’t mean it’s ok to pretend it doesn’t happen or to say things like “well, it works for them”.
Being kinky is not a get out of jail free card for abusive behavior, and it is not an abdication of personal rights, and it does not mean waiving any right to renegotiate things or change personal boundaries or withdraw consent.
And rape culture is a thing, and there’s this pervasive attitude that if you object to it in BDSM culture, then you’re kink-shaming. But that’s not what it is. Messed up stuff happens in kinky space and kinky relationships too — kink is not this great moral enlightenment that makes abuse impossible or vanishingly rare.
And saying that in good relationships, there are no personal boundaries and people obey without question — that’s not ok. That’s rape culture. And it gives abusers cover.
Please signal boost and get the word out, The Midnight Mine is NOT a safe space for kinky POC.
I was asked to share this information by an acquaintance who prefers to remain anonymous.
Here is their message:
I’d just like to warn people in Phoenix, AZ and local areas NOT to support or visit The Midnight Mine, which is a small BDSM dungeon/playspace that also hosts workshops and sells toys. All prominent members of the organizing committee there, and the owner, are unapologetic white supremacists. Proof screencaps are from their recent event page a few days ago. I only screencapped the racist comments for the safety of those making the anti-racist ones, though luckily there were those comments, too. Several of the anti-racist comments were then “inexplicably” deleted by the Midnight Mine’s organizers. While I did not obtain screencaps of this, one of the owners also used the N-word in the comments. The Midnight Mine has created an unapologetically racist and unsafe space for PoC, and should not be supported in any way.
screencaps under the read more, mind the warnings listed in the title
Why is it more ethical for someone to tell all their friends (who presumably tell all their friends, etc.) that Mr. Bad Top is bad news, v. posting a journal entry saying “Mr. Bad Top is bad news”? As far as I can see, if Mr. Bad Top is innocent, he’s in a better position in the second case — he’s more likely to find out that he’s being accused, and he can then speak up with his side of the story.
This snippet is good enough, but then I went and read the post it was commenting on, which I’ma repost here before it gets fucking disappeared:
Note | 646 Comments · 594 Love It |4 days agoHi there,I’m a caretaker with the FetLife team. Recently we had a report about your writing, and after review, your writing has been edited and we are writing to let you know. Basically, it’s really not cool to post something that accuses another member of FetLife of a crime. So, we’re giving you a heads up that this behavior is discouraged on our site.Please know that continued posts like this will result in a warning, and continued warnings can get you removed from FetLife. We really hate to do that, so we hope you’ll avoid any inappropriate comments in the future.If you’re having a problem or conflict with another user – we want to help! Please let us know what’s going on, so that we can get involved and help to resolve the issue. We’d much rather do that, than play the bad guy :) We hope you understand, and if you have any questions or comments please don’t hesitate to get back to us.Christopher
This Caretaker edited my journal entry to remove the names of MATTHEW, who is not a user of the site anymore and another dominant member of the New York City scene who sexually penetrated me without my consent. He also removed a comment on the journal entry by @Cashmere, who stated that that same site user had similarly sexually penetrated her after she had explicitly told him not to interact with her genitals or penetrate her in any way.
I’m going to say that again: CHRISTOPHER EDITED MY JOURNAL ENTRY TO DELETE A REFERENCE TO TWO PEOPLE WHO SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ME AND ANOTHER PERSON.
>Dear yandy,What you’ve gone through is terrible, and no one should ever have to go through it. As we’ve told you before, we’re totally fine with you talking about your experiences here on FetLife.Unfortunately making criminal accusations is not currently allowed on FetLife, as you very well know. And now we’ve received another report of you making criminal accusations. Accordingly, we have edited out that part of that post as well, and are now giving you an official FetLife warning.Please note – we are trying to make as minor of changes as we can to your posts, to preserve their integrity as much as we can while still keeping them within our rules. If there is anything we can help you with, please let us knowChristopher
EDITDear yandy,What has happened to you is terrible. No one is trying to deny that – not anyone that I have seen in that thread or elsewhere. And people who do that sort of thing to any other human beings should pay. They should have to pay for what they did to you. No matter what price they pay, that won’t restore you to the person you were before this occurred. But they damn well should have to pay to make it as close as possible!Unfortunately, what you are trying to do doesn’t make that happen. Making criminal accusations is currently against FetLife rules, as you are very aware of. And those we will delete, but try to do so in such a manner as to change your writing or comments as little as possible.I realize that you don’t agree with this policy. I wish that we could move forward together, to foster awareness of the problem within the community, to try to minimize the mindset among some who don’t seem to realize how wrong this is, and to help victims of sexual assault within our community in particular. Those things we stand ready to help foster and assist.Christopher
Then thispost, as a response.
Journal Entry | 410 Comments · 503 Love It |4 days ago
I’ve been on this site since the year it started and have paid to support it since. I love how it brings together even the farthest corners of the bdsm world, and it’s played an integral role in my career as a bdsm professional and businesswoman.
My support subscription ran out a week or so ago. At one point, I was certain that I was going my renewal would be as a lifetime supporter. Lately, I’ve been ambivalent, and THIS just clinches it.
Seriously Fet, WHAT THE FUCK. You silence victims and survivors while giving abusers a fucking megaphone. You want my money? Not until we’re able to talk freely about our own abuse and violation without censorship. And to anyone invested in establishing a consent culture in the bdsm world… well, money talks.
Notice that the protest event above has been deleted by Fet, with no explanation or warning given to any of us. I guess it was working! Two more protest events have now taken its place.
Just in case anyone is curious, THIS is the reason I don’t hang out on FetLife. But wait, there’s more…
From the man himself, John Baku, site founder:
Clueless Response #1In response to your “Edited again”:
Rape is one of the worse crimes anyone can commit. Words can’t describe how disgusting rape is and how much hate I have for anyone who has in any way shape or form sexually assaulted another person.
And the only way to protect others from a sexual offender is by putting them behind bars. Not talking about them on FetLife, Facebook, writing a blog post on the interwebs… etc. It does not prevent this person from doing what they did again to someone else.
Agreed… the legal system has failed many a person… but all this energy should be spent improving the system and not allowing other to name their abusers on a site that is not setup, nor has the resources, to give a fair trial to both parties.
So let’s put our energy towards locking up the rapists and throwing away the keys! This way those who have raped can’t do it again and those who would ever consider rape would be so scared shitless of the consequences they would never even consider it.@yandy Once again I apologize for the way Christopher handled the case. The case was mishandled and we’ve spoken to him about it.
The overall health of FetLife’s community is by far our number one priority and that is why all of us spend so much time reading what people are saying.
I’ve read suggestion 429 and I’ve also read a lot of other discussions on the topic. From what I’ve read, the community is split on what direction FetLife should take so as a community we need to continue to push our ideas further until we find something that the community, overwhelmingly, can get behind.
Hence, we will continue to iterate over our policies and procedures as we discover new ways to make them better for the community.
Let me just stop for a second and say something I definitely would not be allowed to say on FetLife regarding this choice bit:Words can’t describe how disgusting rape is and how much hate I have for anyone who has in any way shape or form sexually assaulted another person. - John Baku
John Baku sexually assaulted me. Drunk. At a kink party. In front of many others. I have pictures, which he has personally asked me not to post.
In that I had met him before and was sort of fond of him and he sort of reminded me of another drunk misbehaving dumbass I once loved, I laughed it off. But let it be clear - the reason John sees no problem with any of this rape apologist bullshit is because he has a foggy ass notion of consent and acceptable behavior himself.
And because HE PERSONALLY benefits from people like me staying silent.
About the policy itself, from other members:
It’s not that Facebook permits criminal accusations because they’re sympathetic to potential rape victims and what the hey, we’re a massive company, who cares if we get sued. Every company out to make a profit doesn’t want to get sued. Facebook in fact, does permit criminal accusations to be made via Facebook before they are decided by a trial, sometimes with unusual results. Facebook doesn’t take a stance on criminal accusations because it’s not their fucking problem. The second they try to control it, they create a precedent for deciding that it is their fucking problem - and then they’re going to have to answer the question of why they didn’t comb through a seriously gigantic amount of data to find all the shit that a judge or a jury thinks they ought to have found. That’s not how Facebook’s going to roll. If you have a problem with something someone said on Facebook, Facebook will cheerfully direct you to your local law enforcement.
Take a look at that. That’s how a company with a legit team on counsel handles their business, as opposed to John Baku and whatever dinky mail-order law-school drop-out he picked up at the local bar five years ago or whatever the fuck he did instead of trying to run his business like something other than a clueless fuckhead. If you’re going to cover your ass, cover your ass fucking properly.
Right. So. FetLife is Canadian, so oh noes we cannot name the rapists. Yes, Canada does have much stronger privacy laws than the United States. I wonder if that’s why they’re running this shit out of Dallas. John Baku is based out of Vancouver, but his staff is scattered all over North America. Honestly, we don’t even know to what extent FetLife “is” a Canadian company. According to what I just linked to, they registered their domain in Arizona. I think that complicates the “oh no we’re Canadian” defense a wee bit.
But what really complicates the “oh noes they’re naming the rapists” argument is the whole “oh noes they’re talking about pedophilia and bestiality and whatnot but oh hey watch us not give a shit” argument. If FetLife really had legal reasons for covering their ass, they’d do a much better job. That means that, yeah, John Baku needs to step up and tell us why he supports a self-admitted abuser’s right to not have his old username besmirched over the right of a human being to talk about some devastating shit that happened to them. Shit that they might’ve not had to go through if people could use FetLife to warn each other about people on FetLife. Which is all we’re asking.
tl;dr Fuck you, FetLife. Fuck you raw.
If another person who has had no fucking experience reporting a kink scene related sexual assault to the police says to report an incident to the police, I swear I am going to burn the fucking Internet down.
If one more goddamn person says “Go to the cops”, I’m firebombing.
LIke the cops are going to do fuck-all. Seriously.
This is so fucked up.
See also: http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2012/04/24/theres-a-war-on-part-4-just-us/
Mad_Patter:Honestly, if someone’s advice is to go to the police or the courts, then that should be the same standard applied to libel and false accusations. If someone makes a false accusation against you, go to the police. Stop expecting fetlife to police people for you. Oh wait, now we see why that response is just a derail.
in what world does broadcasting rapists’ names online not prevent them from raping others in the future? It a) allows people to be more careful around the named rapist b) forces the rapist to keep a low profile and c) creates a culture where we talk about consent, rape, and sexual assault, which makes unnamed rapists super uncomfortable and maybe they won’t assault people anymore.
fucking fetlife bullshit
I have so many thoughts and feelings about this most of which adds up to “yes this is so true”
I find that I give less and less of a shit about most of the organized kink/bdsm/leather community with each passing day.
If the “freedom” of going to a sexy party means dealing with the bigotry of the people who attend, I’ll pass. I didn’t always feel like this. I used to think the kink community was full of progressive open-minded honest people. I was excited to be around all of them. I used to go to all types of events. Then I started to notice that there weren’t a lot of people of color. So I stuck around for a bit and tried to change that. Then all the thousands of microaggressions (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microaggression) eventually made my dick soft. I learned pretty quickly that no one likes it when I bring up uncomfortable issues. I tried speaking out against things that are problematic but that makes me a killjoy. If I talk about someone being dangerous, I’m a drama whore. If I’m concerned about safety, I’m not edgy enough. The community talks a good game about consent, respect and communication but there are ZERO consequences for violators. There is no accountability. I could literally rape someone and never even have to change my user name. Might even get to teach a class or two at the next national event. Where are the standards?
I’m not longer impressed by the titles people hold because I learned the secret. The secret of being popular and famous in the scene is to keep showing up. That’s it. Familiarity and a willingness to talk about sexy shit can turn a regular asshole into a dangerous megalomanic narcissist with a internet fanbase of unsuspecting newbies. If you just keep rotating out the people you hurt, no one cares or notices.
And on the cycle of abusive shit goes.
So I just let shit slide. For years. From people who should know better. I watch educators and scene celebrities doing and saying the most horrible things with immunity. I’ve watched new people peek into the scene only to be abused so thoroughly that they ran back inside their closets. Every now and then I could make a difference but mostly I kept silence because I felt helpless. I was letting it slide so everyone else is comfortable and then I end up sorting out my feelings alone.
I just… can’t. Not anymore.
At this point, I might go to an event if it tickles my fancy. But I feel no obligation to any community that doesn’t attempt to actively police itself against bigotry and abuse in all forms. I still care about the issues the affect the kink community (ie: sexual freedom, LGBTQ rights, Civil Rights, etc.) but honestly, I’m pretty much done with the bullshit scene politics. I don’t care about being popular or well liked. I just want to feel safe so I’m gonna speak my piece.
I am creating my own personal community and populating it with people who truly care about me. And if ya’ll wanna party, we can all just come fuck at my house. Saves us money too.
The QK Guide To: Breath Control Play
So, strangulation, suffocation, all of this stuff is breath control play. All of this stuff is INCREDIBLY dangerous, and not just for the reasons you think. Most of the deaths caused by erotic breath control situations are not caused by strangulation/suffocation itself, but of a massive heart attack about 15 to 20 minutes later, sometimes this can be the result of less than a minute of suffocation. As well, over time lack of oxygen causes brain damage, and generally one wants to avoid that. For these reasons, you actually shouldn’t actually cut off oxygen to the submissive.
I repeat: DO NOT ACTUALLY STOP ANYONE FROM BREATHING. DO NOT RESTRICT ANYONE’S ABILITY TO BREATHE.
For safe “strangulation” play put your hand above the hyoid bone (the adam’s apple), just under the jaw and press lightly upwards, the subject should be unable to vocalize as normal (though will usually still be able to talk, just not as loudly), but will still be able to breathe. Make sure to communicate thoroughly during this sort of play with your partner, and make sure that they are still able to breath at all times. This is a nice way to give the feeling of vulnerability associated with strangling, and enjoy the power dynamic involved without having to do anything dangerous. Do not EVER put pressure on the hyoid bone as it’s delicate and breaking it results in death. As well the pressure should be light, the windpipe is delicate, and easily crushed, and crushing it results in death, and you don’t want that. Also do be careful not to put pressure on the carotid artery (which runs down the side of the neck) as putting pressure on the carotid can cut off oxygen to the brain, which can cause unconsciousness, cardiac arrest and death, so yeah watch out for that.
Similarly, putting a submissive in a position where the dominant is in control of their oxygen intake, but does not actually remove their access to it can be a way to play with this as well, but requires great care. For example, a rubber mask with a tube for oxygen access can be worn by the submissive, putting the dominant in a position where, were they to squeeze the hose shut, the submissive would be left unable to breath, but of course the dominant does not do so. This also requires clear communication during play, make sure a safety gesture is established, and watch for it closely.
Do not EVER put a cord around someone’s throat, it’s too hard to control, and too hard to gauge pressure applied.
There is simply no safe way to actually cut off oxygen to a human being, so don’t do it. Really, the appeal of breath play is not actually the cutting off of oxygen, but the feeling of vulnerability, and that can be achieved without actually taking away the ability to breath.
I know some of you out there are going to insist on cutting off someone’s oxygen anyway, and normally I’d give you tips on how to do it as safely as possible if you absolutely must do it… but there’s no way to do this safely, or even any more safely. So, generally, I beg of you, don’t do this. It’s not safe.
Play safe out there.
Here are some points from the EMT article above that need to be noted:
- As a person with years of medical education and experience, I know of no way whatsoever that either suffocation or strangulation can be done without serious risk
- I know of no reliable way to determine when such a cardiac arrest has become imminent
- If a death occurs, the authorities could consider such deaths first-degree murders until proven otherwise, with the burden of such proof being on the defendant ( I personally know two members of my local SM community who went to prison after their partners died during breath control play)
- You can’t really know when a person is about to go unconscious until they actually do so, thus it’s extremely difficult to know where the actual point of unconsciousness is until you actually reach it
- Unconsciousness is a symptom, not a condition in and of itself. It has numerous underlying causes ranging from simple fainting to cardiac arrest, and which of these will cause the unconsciousness cannot be known in advance
- SM-positive health professionals have discussed how breath control might be done in a way that is not life-threatening, and come up blank
- We have discussed how the risk might be significantly reduced, and come up blank
- We have discussed how it might be determined that [cardiac] arrest is imminent, and come up blank
- Not one person with substantial training in how a human body works has been willing to step forth and teach a form of breath control play that they are willing to assert is acceptably safe (does not put the recipient at imminent, unpredictable risk of dying)
- All medical folks know that PVC’s (“extra” pacemaker sites) are both life-threating and hard to detect unless the patient is hooked to a cardiac monitor
- When breathing is restricted, the body cannot eliminate carbon dioxide as it should, and the amount of carbon dioxide in the blood increases
- Either a build-up in the blood of carbon dioxide or a decrease in the blood of oxygen will cause the pH of the blood to fall. If both occur at the same time, as they do in cases of suffocation, the pH of the blood will plummet to life-threatening levels within a very few minutes
- Past experience is not particularly useful; carefully watching their level of consciousness, skin color, and pulse rate is of only limited value
- Even hooking the bottom up to both a pulse oximeter and a cardiac monitor would b The problem is that each PVC is potentially lethal, particularly if the heart is low on oxygen. Even if you “ease up” on the bottom immediately, there’s no telling when the PVC’s will stop e of only limited additional value
- In addition to the primary danger of cardiac arrest, there is good evidence to document that there is a very real risk of cumulative brain damage if the practice is repeated often enough
- Some of the dangers include, but are not limited to: rupture of the windpipe, fracture of the larynx, damage to the blood vessels in the neck, dislodging a fatty plaque in a neck artery which then travels to the brain and causes a stroke, damage to the cervical spine, seizures, airway obstruction by the tongue, and aspiration of vomitus
- There are documented cases in which the recipient appeared to fully recover but was found dead several hours later
- Some people teach that choking can be safely done if pressure on the windpipe is avoided, this is not true!
- Knowing CPR does little to make the risk of death from breath control play significantly smaller. While CPR can and should be done, understand that the probability of success is likely to be less than 10%.
- I have no problem with informed, freely consenting people taking any degree of risk they wish. I am going to state that there is a great deal of ignorance regarding what actually happens to a body when it’s suffocated or strangled, and that the actual degree of risk associated with these practices is far greater than most people believe.
when older men are like “yeah baby, I love teaching new girls about submission” and they talk about “true subs” and “true doms” and try to corner you into a full-time power-exchange dynamic off the bat?
run. I am not even kidding. don’t do it, those men are dangerous.
a responsible dom/domme will talk a lot about limits and boundaries with anyone, especially someone who says they’re new to bdsm. they won’t try to get you into a 24/7 thing right off the bat (even if that’s something you both want eventually). and ANYONE who defines “true sub” or “true dom” as ANYTHING other than “someone who identifies themselves a sub or dom” is unreservedly full of shit. people use “oh, you’re not a true sub” ALL THE TIME to disrespect kinky women’s boundaries. be aware of this. “a true sub would let me push her hard limits” — NO. that is not and never will be true.
I have seen, at least in new england, some burgeoning efforts to weed out abusers and foster consent culture in the bdsm community, which is fantastic. but it’s still important to know some of the bullshit that abusers will pull. because it is bullshit.
P. Califia (1979), A Secret Side of Lesbian Sexuality (via noteasybeingred)
this is basically what I want every time I bottom and what I have only rarely managed to get.(via hobbitdragon)
and another ting to add btw regarding to 50 shades of grey
sure have the jokes and what not but pls don’t make it out that the poorly written sex scenes are what’s wrong with the books
i can deal with badly written sex scenes
the problem with these books is that
- there is an abusive relationship going on here which is constantly romanticised
- the leading lady, Anastasia is constantly subjected to having her independence, space and personal freedoms compromised by a guy who has literally forced is way in to all of her personal matters and relationships
- the same fucker who fucking yelled at her for seeing her mother
- the same guy who actually lead to the emotional and mental break down of his previous partner because of his bullshit manipulative behaviour
- the writer of this series is ableist as fuck and uses mental illness as a reason for the why one of the “bad characters” ( said ex who had a mental breakdown) is evil
- i repeat, equating having a mental illness/ mental breakdown/ suicidal behaviour to demonstrate how bad a character is
- like this shit is beyond fucked up
- also, it’s incredibly irresponsible in its depiction of BDSM relationships- because where a good BDSM relationship to work, there has to be a fuck tonne load of consent and understanding
- which the relationship in this book is utterly deprived of
- also having ben-wa balls up your vagina for a near 3 hours is the worst thing you can do to a partner what the fuck EL James
- also let us not forget about the racism and the fucked up stereotypes of gay folk
- the list goes on here btw in terms of the internalised misogyny, the shaming of sex workers, the poor depiction’s of trauma and abuse and yeah it goes onSo yes, have the jokes and all, but there is some real problematic bullshit going in these books that really requires a load of calling out for.