tw: rape
[removed image: fake tampon with a spike on the end of it as an ‘anti-rape defense’]
This device is fucking brilliant; although, it’s sad we live in a world where this is necessary.
i’m so fucking sick of seeing this everywhere. it is NOT brilliant. here’s why:
i’m pretty sure if this was real (it isn’t, fyi) it would cause internal injuries to the person using it… if you could even *get it up there* without cutting yourself. ‘safe’ my ass. and what, so, even if it was “effective”… the penis gets cut up and…. bleeds inside the vagina? yeah, NO THANKS! and, hello?? the trauma, the rape, has already occurred at that point. not seeing how this is preventative or protective in any way.
this perpetuates really harmful and popular beliefs about rape, the biggest one probably being that most rapes are “stranger in the bushes/spiking your drink” scenarios that can be avoided if one is careful enough… when that’s incredibly far from the truth. yet those are the only types of rape taken seriously socially and politically… and campaigns like this reinforce that problem by COMPLETELY ignoring the reality of most rapes.
and this is like the epitome of liberal feminism. fuck structural changes, right? if there are enough people feeling unsafe to walk at night to create a need for this… how about we do something REAL about that, instead of putting all the onus on them to protect themselves by shoving fucking weapons up their vaginas and live in constant terror as if that fixes a damn thing.
rape culture means we are expected to figure out whether or not you’re just kidding about raping us
It’s laughable that the “It Gets Better” idea forces the burden and responsibility of survival onto queer kids who are under attack. ~“Just wait it out! If you are strong enough to survive high school without killing yourself, you’ll be free and your life will magically become instantly perfect! And if you don’t make it, well shit…I guess we will just have to keep making these shitty videos!”~ Never mind shifting responsibility for the safety and well-being of queer kids onto white, heterosexual, cisgender kids, parents, institutions and society at large. ~It’s up to YOU to not die! It’s not up to institutions you have no choice but to be a part of to stop fostering an environment which systematically breeds, favors and rewards the kind of people who want to see you dead, and even kill you! I MEAN IT’S ONLY FOUR YEARS, YOU CAN MAKE IT, I GUESS.~
Brave was really, really awful. It is abuse enabling and victim blaming. This movie was obviously written by abusers. It is NOT what the previews lead you to believe. It is not a “progressive” or “feminist” movie with a strong female lead like the previews imply. Mulan was FAR more progressive in terms of female strength than this movie, and we all know that movie had PLENTY of problems. Disney is trying to sell the public on female strength, while actually explicitly promoting abuse culture.
If you don’t want to get spoiled, just read this part. These are the general themes about abuse that this movie tries to teach:
-Emotional abuse doesn’t exist.
-Grabbing, shaking, and throwing your child around is not abuse.
-Abuse and love can’t coexist (if your parent “loves” you, they can’t be abusive).
-There are “two sides” to every story of child abuse.
-Abuse is the child’s fault for not doing what the parent wants.
-Rebelling against abuse is “prideful,” and will result in disaster for you and your entire family.
DETAILS & SPOILERS BELOWGood to know. And [TW: victim blaming/apologism] for anyone saying that the abuse scenarios that have just been described in detail in this post are “stretching it too far,” “grasping at straws,” “bad but not quite abuse,” etc— please note that you’re minimizing the experiences of abuse actual people have been through and basically telling us what we’ve heard over and over, that we’re “overdramatizing” it, making a “big deal out of nothing”. This is not okay for you to say.
you should not be encouraging them to do things that their abuser might use to escalate the violence, like keeping things around the house that could be used as weapons, hoarding money in secret locations around the space that they share with their abuser, etc.
Giving someone access to resources, non-judgmental support & understanding, a safe place to go = great. But fuck. It’s not your place to be like “hide money in your walls! Use household cleaners as weapons!” when you have no idea whether that will help or harm someone.
Abuse survivors get all kinds of unsolicited advice, even when they are still in abusive situations. It’s usually well-meaning, but not always appropriate. The point at which abusers often become the MOST violent and threatening is when they know their victim is planning on leaving and/or wising up to their abuse. Just… be careful, okay? Okay.
Similarly, don’t antagonize the abuser, either via direct confrontation or anonymously. If the abuser is harassing you, then certainly do what you need to do to protect yourself, but unnecessarily provoking them is only going to result in further harm to the victim. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for someone who is being abused is be as unobjectionable as possible; this will allow you to stay in contact with the victim and be in a position to help them when the time is right. Never make someone else’s abuse about yourself.
Y’know, as I look at the post that prompted this I think that not only is all the stuff above true, but that there’s something just….a combination of naive and self-centered about basically creating “harm reduction” tips for living in an abusive relationship. As if through a complicated system of internet protocol and things hidden in the walls, one could live safely with an abuser.
It’s so hard, I know, to walk that line of being supportive and unobjectionable and non-judgement and just being there for someone so you can support them when they are ready to leave, but there’s this disturbing enabling element at play when your “support” is basically both endangering your friend and enabling the kinds of destructive thoughts that the abuser is encouraging in them.
Bolding mine for some really, really important points.
That’s the other thing that bothered me about that list, but I wasn’t sure how to articulate it. The implicit idea seems to be that an abusive situation can be managed by the victim, which of course it can’t - that’s the point of an abusive situation, the abuser is constantly removing any control the victim might have over their situation.
Of course there ARE things you can do for someone who is in an abusive situation and not ready to leave yet - but they mostly have to do with YOU maintaining contact with that person, being there to offer them rides, etc when they need them, and so on. Not telling the victim what to do and encouraging them to think of their situation as something they can manage by deleting their browser history and paying for everything with cash. I’ve been there, and that was my exact logic when I was refusing to leave - that I just needed to be more careful, that the whole thing could be managed. I was wrong, because I was being gaslit by abusers who actively encouraged me to think in those terms. What I needed was people who could help ground me in reality again and not encourage the delusion that everything would be fine if I just squirrelled away money in the walls.
It doesn’t matter what your aunt did when she was in an abusive situation. This is not the time for you to show off what you learned in first aid class, or what you read about abuse survivors doing in books. When someone is in an abusive situation it’s their real life on the line.
As always, actually helping people is more complicated than hitting reblog and indulging in some Modern Jackassery.
Yeah. The whole list read the same to me as “How to avoid being raped!” which puts up a bunch of small, last ditch things to protect oneself from what is, at heart, a broken situation.
I’ve had to get several friends out of abusive situations. Both in person and at a distance. The #1 thing they needed was a supportive person who would help them recognize the shit for what it is, to counteract the gaslighting.
The emotional hurdle to realize you’re not insane, but you’re surrounded by an abusive person, and very probably, a GROUP of people enabling the abuser… that’s the biggest one always. After that, then it’s all physical logistics - being able to get them out of the space to somewhere safe.
And yeah, maybe those small things might help, as much as remembering to tie your shoes might help you run away from an angry dog… but it’s never as important as the decision that you need to leave, now.
The illusion, the hope, that it will get better, that maybe this is as bad as it will ever get, or that it won’t get that bad again? That’s the first wall and any thing that holds up that illusion doesn’t actually help the survivor- it enables the illusion.
Reblogging for content and as a reminder for myself, in terms of abusive relationships and other people.
I’ve been through some things myself but it is super selfish to just hit reblog and perpetuate a belief that abuse can be managed. I realize that sometimes I just speak out in anger because I’m reminded of my own helplessness and want to prevent people from experiencing what I have experienced.
But that’s what abusers are so good at. They create situations where they don’t kill you but they need you to validate their experience. And depending on the situation, sometimes you need to keep your abuser around for survival and play a tit for tat game. It’s not as easy as leaving or kicking them out.
The idea of policing people to call them out on their abuse is a good one and I’m glad this was posted.
100% fucking this, i knew something about that post was rubbing me the wrong way
youarenotyou replied to your post: (Tw: abuse, domestic violence, tip list) How do you feel about people who are saying that people should not be posting about and reblogging the tip list for people in abusive situations?
that’s a really oversimplified [mis]interpretation of what people’s problems are w/ the post…i am probably taking things really personally right now. should take a step back. but i read some of the discussions and i really dont get it
(i’m reblogging instead of replying because of the word limit. but TW TW TW for abuse)
well i think part of the problem is that the post was written in a prescriptive way, rather than saying “these are things that worked for me & they might be helpful but they also might put you in more danger or just not be an option for you”.
even though it wasn’t intentional, posts like that inevitably reinforce that abuse is an individual’s problem and puts all the responsibility upon them to get out. not only is escaping presented as always an option, but it’s also always up to the victim to just try harder/be more creative so they can help themselves. that’s the implication anyways.
“support” in victim blaming culture is always viewed as “why don’t you try this?” instead of “what do you need / what can i do to help you?”
